Jeux Sans Frontieres

For days I had been planning on a comprehensive multi-part Definitive Viewpoint Olympic Preview.   My preparation was extensive.  It consisted primarily of flipping through the Sports Illustrated Olympic preview and typing in all the event names, see?

Archery	Equestrian	Rowing	Taekwondo
Badminton	Fencing	Sailing	Team Handball
Basketball	Field Hockey	Shooting	Tennis
Boxing	Artistic Gymnastics	Soccer	Track and Field
Canoe/Kayak (Flatwater)	Rhythmic Gymnastics	Swimming	Triathlon
Canoe/Kayak (Whitewater)	Trampoline	Open Water Swimming	Volleyball
Cycling	Judo	Synchronized Swimming	Water Polo
Diving	Modern Pentathlon	Table Tennis	Weightlifting
			Wrestling

I also read about how touchy the IOC is about their logos and whatnot so I came up with my own:

Pretty sweet, no?  And trademark violation free.

I figured the rest would be pretty easy.   The first installment would have made a convincing and irrefutable case that any “sports” that are decided solely by judges should be relegated to America’s Got Talent and therefore removed from the Olympics.  It would have done so with wit and authority.  You know that Trampoline would have really shots so scathing it would have trouble bouncing back.

Sports eliminated would be boxing, diving, equestrian, artistic gymnastics, rhythmic gymnastics, trampoline, and synchronized swimming.  Yes, boxing could theoretically end with a knockout, but who are you trying to kid?   I would really miss rhythmic gymnastics, though.  Seriously.

Next up I would preview sports where there is an already a better competition.  Sadly, these should also be removed.  So you can kiss cycling, sailing, soccer, tennis, and triathlon goodbye.  Why do I care about these events when I could watch Le Tour de France, the America’s Cup, the World Cup (or the Euro Championship), any of the tennis grand slams except the Australian Open, or the Iron Man world championship?  Some of these may have made sense if the Olympics were limited to amateurs, but not any more.  It is kind of ridiculous that some sports – I’m looking at you soccer – invent rules so you get a slight difference.

The DVOP would then tackle events I could play in my backyard (badminton, dressage, volleyball), basement (ping pong table tennis, shooting, wrestling), or ones I have used a Groupon for (archery).  We could probably keep badminton because I love to say “shuttlecock”.  Volleyball is okay, too, I guess, but I’m not sold on beach volleyball. Especially now that the women don’t have to dress like they are at a sand-filled slumber party.   

Look at that crowd!
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I once won an office table tennis tournament.  Surprisingly that company went out of business.  You don’t see offices having a decathlon party, though, do you?  That’s why table tennis has to go. Wrestling is real sport, but we have to stop MRSA somehow.  These Olympians have enough diseases to worry about.  As for shooting and archery, they are only sports in the Hunger Games.  Out!

Any Olympic preview worth its bits would devote at least one installment to sports that are weird like team handball and modern pentathlon.  Team handball is actually a pretty awesome sport.  The US would dominate it if anyone cared and top athletes like LeBron played.  Modern pentathlon should be safe since it has laser guns.  Unfortunately it is more than outweighed by the show jumping.  That’s right, show jumping. Mitt Romney joke. 

Now would probably be a time to throw in the sports dominated by rich people (fencing and rowing), non US Americans (Judo, Taekwondo), and canoes (canoe/kayak),  No one cares about these sports except NBC. And that is only because they have to fill 4 zillion hours of programming.

Water polo star
or Lando lackey?

At this point the epic Definitive Viewpoint Olympic Preview would we wrapping up.  After all the games somehow started yesterday even though the opening ceremony isn’t until tomorrow.  We would start with swimming.   I’m a little torn by this one.  The US kicks some serious butt in swimming so that is a positive.  On the other hand, swimming is dreadfully boring to watch.  And they have 712 variations on the same thing.  I’m not sure I care if Ryan Lochte wins the 50, 55, 60, 65, and 70 meter races.  What is that in yards, anyway?  I will confess I didn’t know open water swimming was even a sport.  I wish I still didn’t.

Water polo is okay but it is kind of confusing.  There are hundreds of whistles and fouls and I never know what is going on.  Plus those hats make them look like lobots.  For those of you unfamiliar with basketball, it is kind of like water polo on wood.  I enjoy basketball since it is one area where the US can impose its will on an international stage.  Field hockey is like ice hockey in the summer, only slower paced with more duchesses. 

Track and Field is worthy of a separate preview but I am out of energy and time. Oh yeah, there’s also weightlifting. I guess those will have to wait until 2016.

So if I had written an Olympic preview it would have gone something like that