By Any Measure

Ed. Note: This post is adapted from a post on a college football fan message board.  This is only noted because of how pathetic that is.


With the holidays upon us, we have entered the most exciting and depressing time for football fans. Between bowl games and NFL playoffs, there is a veritable smörgåsbord of pigskin. Of course that also means that the season is almost over and soon all we have left is hockey and basketball.

Many of these games will feature a first down measurement with the outcome having crucial impact on the game result. 

These guys look like they know what they are doing
© BrokenSphere / Wikimedia Commons

I will start by acknowledging that there is probably a need for some sort of so-called 'definitive' method for the demarcation and allocation of first downs. There is no need for a bunch of expert yahoos to come crawling out of the woodwork pointing this out. And yes, I did just end the previous sentence with a preposition. Deal with it.

Now that we have put that behind us, let us move on to the salient point: having some overweight 53 year old jock sniffers lumber onto the field with a chain that serves as the arbiter of renewed downs is as ridiculous and spurious as the "theory" of "evolution."

The entire process is built on guesswork and supposition. When a first down is gained, this chain-wielding gang simply eyeballs where the new ten yards begins. It's not like they run out onto the field to precisely place the beginning of this short-term goal. But then when a team may have achieved nirvana in miniature, we are supposed to believe that this aluminum pole and links of alloy provide the same scientific measurement as provided by the Large Hadron Collider? "We would have won, but we were a Higgs boson short of that crucial first down!"

Not to mention that the whole spotting of the ball is done almost exclusively by men (sexism, anyone?) who are making judgments from odd angles and distances. Frequently this occurs with hundreds of pounds of finely chiseled and sweat-glistened young man flesh between eyeball and football, further distracting and impeding proper placement.

Who can concentrate with this going on?

Is there a better solution? I am no Alvin Einstein, but i have seen the future, and it is here. Have you watched tennis in the last 10 years? Likely not, but as a connoisseur of all things sporting, I have. When there is controversy as to whether their felt covered projectile has landed inbounds, the have a computerized system provided and/or sponsored by IBM that indicates the legality of the shot. I can vouch for its integrity as they air a cartoon ball that leaves a shadow either inside, outside, or on the line. Unimpeachable evidence if you think about. I highly recommend you do.

Why are we still using the chain? I suspect it may have something to do with the secretive but powerful chain lobby, the referee's union, or third party (possibly Communist) interests. We need to push the, aside for the greater freedom of Man and get some technology in place. Is doesn't have to be an animated tennis ball, but that yellow line is certainly as accurate as some links of metal. The probably use plastic these days, amiright?

I realize that this type of gadgetry is anathema to true football fans. There is nothing more thrilling than the anticipation of that pole being placed on the ground, then lifted and re-placed because there was a tangle in the chain. At that singular moment in time just before the rubber thingee on the pole's tip touches the turf you know that it will determine the fate of not only the current play, but of all plays to come. 

Some may argue that the chains are part of the "human element" of the game. The human element is all well and good, but shouldn't that be limited to those competing? When a player makes a great play or a bonehead one? When a coach outwits or nitwits his way to victory or defeat? That is the human element that we crave and enjoy.

Having a blown call impact the game is not the human element fans and players want. I've never participated in or viewed a competition where I left thinking, "oh man, the referee screw-ups really enhanced my enjoyment of the contest."

Break the chains!

The Case for Apathy

Meh. What's the point?

A Toast for the Flash Mobs

My favorite feminist web site is Jezebel.com.   It has introduced me to concepts such as “body snarking”, “slut shaming”, and “thighlights”.  It also frequently features celebrity news, kitten videos, and red carpet slideshows so it really has something for all different kinds of feminists.

I bring this up not because I want to discuss the fight against mansplaining or Photoshop controversies.  It is because I was perusing the site recently and saw this video of a flash mob on an airplane (I’ll pause while you watch the video):

You may remember flash mobs from the previous decade.  They are when a bunch of people with too much free time get together and dance around in a public place.  They seemed kind of fun back in 2006 or so but since then they have been commercialized, televised, and Glee-ized.  The ubiquity of flash mobs is a sure sign of a society that is on the way down.  Rome never recovered after the rise of mico vulgi in the late 470s.

“Wait”, you may be thinking, “isn’t the existence of this blog evidence that you, too, have too much free time?” Probably, but there is a key difference between a flash mob participant and myself: I am not an attention whore.  That reminds me, please tell your friends to check out my blog. But I digress.

Back to the point of this post: Please keep your flash mob off my airplane.  When I’m on a plane all I want to do is browse the SkyMall catalog, eat the $4 bag of Skittles I bought in the airport, and pray that the person next to me has showered within the last 24 hours and is a mute.  Flying sucks enough without additional distractions. Plus, it isn’t even an original idea.

The last thing I want to do is to have to deal with while being held captive at 34,000 feet is a bunch of conventionally attractive people waving their arms around and blocking the aisles.   Well, I guess it is better than conventionally ugly people doing the same thing.  By the way, “conventionally attractive” is a term I also learned on Jezebel.com.  It is kind of relevant in this case, though.  Do you think the reaction from the rest of the passengers would have been the same if the flash mob was performed by a bunch of men wearing keffiyehs?  I can sum it up in one word: diverted flight.

Did you happen to notice that poor guy trying to get back to his seat for the first 1:30 of the video?  All he wants to do is go back to his seat and reflect after a nice in-flight poop.  Instead he is forced to stand there like a boob and wait.  I suppose he should be thankful that he wasn’t on his way to the bathroom instead.  Would it have killed those dancers to pause from their self-indulgence to let him by?  Possibly.

One thing I really want to know is if they were playing the music in the cabin.  In case you didn’t recognize it, the mellifluous voice you hear on the track is that of Kanye West singing his song “Runaway”.  I actually like Kanye’s music, but I’m not sure about this particular song and whether it was the appropriate choice.  It features the chorus:

Let’s have a toast for the douche bags

Let’s have a toast for the assholes

Let’s have a toast for the scumbags

Every one of them that I know

On second thought, in this case it seems kind of fitting.

Doctor, Doctor

Doctor: Tell me a little bit about yourself

Patient: My name is Mr. Patient. Not because I have an overabundance of the capacity to wait, but because I am your patient and the author of this blog didn’t feel like coming up with a creative fake name.

Doctor: Why are you here?

Patient: Well that is a question that humankind has been contemplating for eons and I am frankly surprised you would expect me to have the answer.

Doctor: No, dummy, why are you visiting with me today?

Patient: Oh. That certainly seems like something more reasonable to ask.

Doctor: Well?

Patient: I’m glad you asked. Something has been bothering me lately. It hit me during the prime time Olympic coverage on NBC.

Doctor: I know what you mean. I’ve had a lot of patients bothered by the tape-delayed coverage, even on weekends, and the endless fluff pieces. That 20-minute segment on the 1992 Dream Team really pushed a lot of folks to the brink.

Patient: No, no, no. That wasn’t it. It was the all the sitcom promos.

Doctor: Oh. My. God.  Tell me about it. The New Normal looks really terrible.  Plus they showed it so much it made me really sick of that fun. song they used.

Patient: Oy.  Would you please let me finish?  That wasn’t the promo I was talking about.  It was the one for that Matthew Perry show, Go On.

Doctor: I know what you mean.  It is kind of sad that he can’t seem to find the same level of success he had on Friends. He was the best one don’t you think?  Really though, they were all great.

Patient: I don’t really care about Chanandler Bong or his career.  I am just upset that there will be yet another show where therapy is a primary component.  I hate watching therapy sessions.  Other than movies starring a horse, therapy is my least favorite trope in entertainment.

Doctor: Is it really that pervasive?

Patient: Right off the top of my head with no help from Google I can think of Go On, In Treatment, Web Therapy, Dr. Katz, and the Bob Newhart Show.  And those are just the shows about therapy.  There are countless examples of shows that feature a therapy component.  This week’s episode of The Newsroom had one and Dr. Melfi was of course a prime component of The Sopranos. So much so that not only did we see her sessions with Tony, we also had to watch Dr. Melfi’s sessions with her therapist.

Doctor: Why do you hate therapists?

Patient: I am beginning to hate you, but I don’t hate therapists.  Some of my best friends are therapists.  The can be very helpful.  I just don’t want to watch them on TV.

Doctor: Yes, it can be pretty boring.

Patient: Now you’re catching on. When I am watching TV I need some shit to be happening on the screen. I’m already sitting on a couch doing nothing. If I wanted to see someone else sitting on a couch I would just turn my head slightly to the left and look at my wife.  I usually try to avoid that though, because I can see the combination of disgust and sadness in her eyes when she returns my gaze.   But seriously, if I wanted to see two people sitting around having a conversation I would watch my DVD of My Dinner with Andre, the most talked about art house hit of 1981.

Doctor: I see your point.  Tell me more.

Patient: It is also often a sign of lazy writing.  Can’t figure out an entertaining way to have a character express her feelings?  Have her tell the therapist.  It is exposition for dummies.  At least in Inception, Christopher Nolan had the decency to have Ellen Page do all the dirty work instead of putting Leo in a therapy session.  It also lets the lazy writer put stand-up material into the script.  Have a funny joke that doesn’t fit in? Wedge it in a therapy session. It is the screenwriter’s equivalent to just putting funny YouTube clips in a blog instead of coming with something original. That’s gold, Jerry!

Doctor: Your opinion has merit, but sometimes a therapy session is a legitimate means of advancing the plot or fleshing out a character, don’t you agree?

Patient: I suppose you’re right.  They aren’t always bad.  I just wish writers wouldn’t revert to it as an easy way to fill up pages.

Doctor: I couldn’t agree more.

Jeux Sans Frontieres

For days I had been planning on a comprehensive multi-part Definitive Viewpoint Olympic Preview.   My preparation was extensive.  It consisted primarily of flipping through the Sports Illustrated Olympic preview and typing in all the event names, see?

Archery	Equestrian	Rowing	Taekwondo
Badminton	Fencing	Sailing	Team Handball
Basketball	Field Hockey	Shooting	Tennis
Boxing	Artistic Gymnastics	Soccer	Track and Field
Canoe/Kayak (Flatwater)	Rhythmic Gymnastics	Swimming	Triathlon
Canoe/Kayak (Whitewater)	Trampoline	Open Water Swimming	Volleyball
Cycling	Judo	Synchronized Swimming	Water Polo
Diving	Modern Pentathlon	Table Tennis	Weightlifting
			Wrestling

I also read about how touchy the IOC is about their logos and whatnot so I came up with my own:

Pretty sweet, no?  And trademark violation free.

I figured the rest would be pretty easy.   The first installment would have made a convincing and irrefutable case that any “sports” that are decided solely by judges should be relegated to America’s Got Talent and therefore removed from the Olympics.  It would have done so with wit and authority.  You know that Trampoline would have really shots so scathing it would have trouble bouncing back.

Sports eliminated would be boxing, diving, equestrian, artistic gymnastics, rhythmic gymnastics, trampoline, and synchronized swimming.  Yes, boxing could theoretically end with a knockout, but who are you trying to kid?   I would really miss rhythmic gymnastics, though.  Seriously.

Next up I would preview sports where there is an already a better competition.  Sadly, these should also be removed.  So you can kiss cycling, sailing, soccer, tennis, and triathlon goodbye.  Why do I care about these events when I could watch Le Tour de France, the America’s Cup, the World Cup (or the Euro Championship), any of the tennis grand slams except the Australian Open, or the Iron Man world championship?  Some of these may have made sense if the Olympics were limited to amateurs, but not any more.  It is kind of ridiculous that some sports – I’m looking at you soccer – invent rules so you get a slight difference.

The DVOP would then tackle events I could play in my backyard (badminton, dressage, volleyball), basement (ping pong table tennis, shooting, wrestling), or ones I have used a Groupon for (archery).  We could probably keep badminton because I love to say “shuttlecock”.  Volleyball is okay, too, I guess, but I’m not sold on beach volleyball. Especially now that the women don’t have to dress like they are at a sand-filled slumber party.   

Look at that crowd!
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I once won an office table tennis tournament.  Surprisingly that company went out of business.  You don’t see offices having a decathlon party, though, do you?  That’s why table tennis has to go. Wrestling is real sport, but we have to stop MRSA somehow.  These Olympians have enough diseases to worry about.  As for shooting and archery, they are only sports in the Hunger Games.  Out!

Any Olympic preview worth its bits would devote at least one installment to sports that are weird like team handball and modern pentathlon.  Team handball is actually a pretty awesome sport.  The US would dominate it if anyone cared and top athletes like LeBron played.  Modern pentathlon should be safe since it has laser guns.  Unfortunately it is more than outweighed by the show jumping.  That’s right, show jumping. Mitt Romney joke. 

Now would probably be a time to throw in the sports dominated by rich people (fencing and rowing), non US Americans (Judo, Taekwondo), and canoes (canoe/kayak),  No one cares about these sports except NBC. And that is only because they have to fill 4 zillion hours of programming.

Water polo star
or Lando lackey?

At this point the epic Definitive Viewpoint Olympic Preview would we wrapping up.  After all the games somehow started yesterday even though the opening ceremony isn’t until tomorrow.  We would start with swimming.   I’m a little torn by this one.  The US kicks some serious butt in swimming so that is a positive.  On the other hand, swimming is dreadfully boring to watch.  And they have 712 variations on the same thing.  I’m not sure I care if Ryan Lochte wins the 50, 55, 60, 65, and 70 meter races.  What is that in yards, anyway?  I will confess I didn’t know open water swimming was even a sport.  I wish I still didn’t.

Water polo is okay but it is kind of confusing.  There are hundreds of whistles and fouls and I never know what is going on.  Plus those hats make them look like lobots.  For those of you unfamiliar with basketball, it is kind of like water polo on wood.  I enjoy basketball since it is one area where the US can impose its will on an international stage.  Field hockey is like ice hockey in the summer, only slower paced with more duchesses. 

Track and Field is worthy of a separate preview but I am out of energy and time. Oh yeah, there’s also weightlifting. I guess those will have to wait until 2016.

So if I had written an Olympic preview it would have gone something like that

Quitters Never Win

A little over a month ago I quit Facebook. Since then I’ve updated my profile picture twice, posted three videos, and updated my status twice.  So it probably doesn’t count as “quitting”, but as Confucius said, “quitting Facebook can be harder than it seems”.

It is often stated that people on Facebook have no life.  As a formerly frequent Facebooker, I can say with 100% authority that that is not true.  As I am sitting here typing this right now, I clearly have a life.  It is just a largely unfulfilling one with a huge crevasse where my soul should be.  My main Facebook activity used to be making joke status updates and hoping for “Likes”.  For a while getting little 1’s in my notification bar filled my soul hole. 

Strangely Satisfying

Sadly, the negatives to the ‘book started to outweigh the positives.  The primary negative is that most of my friends who had interesting and/or fun status updates stopped posting and returned to raising their kids and focusing on work or whatever they hell they do.  This left only a handful of worthwhile updates and boatloads of useless ones.

A Google search for “top 10 most annoying facebook users” returns 26,900,000 results. That should tell you something. And that something is that people write lots of blog posts about Facebook hoping it will drive up their readership.  It also tells you that most people don’t like their friends.  Or at least their friends’ curated versions of themselves.

Dream come true

I won’t bore with yet another one of these lists even though that was what I planned to do until I saw it would be the 26,900,001 post about it.  Or the 267,000,001 on Bing.  Who knew Bing was still around?   Anyway, maybe the people complaining about their friends should find new friends.  Or “quit” like I did and switch to Twitter where you can send messages to random celebrities and hope they acknowledge you.

They other reason I quit was Facebook’s repeated abuse of user data.  Any page with a Like button essentially has a built-in tracking device. They have shown again and again that they can’t be trusted with your data. The most recent transgression is their Like recycling where they make it look like you are endorsing things you aren’t.  You would think they might have learned their lesson after the sponsored stories settlement or Beacon brouhaha, but they clearly hold user privacy in low regard.  Almost as low as investors hold FB.

Also, Timeline sucks.

Just for Men's Eyebrows

The other day I was doing some research on politicians eating hot dogs.  During this research I came across a picture of Mitt Romney eating some delicious soft serve ice cream.

What really struck me about the photo was this: Mitt's fluffy white eyebrows.  Then I saw another photo from a a few days later and they were boring and brown.

This made me wonder what happened. Were they plucked, dyed, or is it an artifact of lighting? (click for larger version)

Photos:
Charles Dharapak/AP Photo
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